Wednesday, September 15, 2010

You want Nuts? I'll give you Nuts

So it's been a while since I've done anything here. I don't know where you live but around here it was really freaking hot over the summer. Also, over the summer my “target” was gone a lot. This combined with the heat did not lend itself to firing up the oven. I like my skin to stay on most of the time. I'm pretty sure I'm not attractive with it all melted off into a puddle surrounding my feet.

There have been some new developments which led to new motivation.

About a month ago she called me to bring a coffee drink from Starbucks. She wanted to confirm that I liked the Mocha version. When she showed up she came in with two drinks. Mine a mocha frappuccino and hers a BLACK iced coffee. There wasn't even CREAM in it folks.

Me: Why didn't you tell me that you weren't getting one too? I could have had just an iced coffee"

Her: No, that's ok. You know when you hit my age you have to start watching all the calories

In other words: "I'm going to sit here and watch you drink your 1.5 million calorie drink while sipping my 100 calories. Enjoy Fatty."

A few days later she brought a whole plate of lemon bars she had made. She knows that I am the only one who eats lemon in the house. She must have been looking for the home run by piling an extra 2K calories. I ate one and threw the rest out. (Insert clapping here)

This story alone got me thinking of pre-heating the oven. But there was more:

Last week I was on the phone with her and she mentioned making cookies that day. I told her that I was making cookies that day too. Just Toll House chocolate chip. Nothing fancy. Then:

Me: I'm making cookies today, chocolate chip

Her: Ooo, can I have a few?

Me: Of course

Her: Do they have nuts in them?

Me: Oh, usually I don't make them with nuts for the kids

Her: Do you mind making some on the side for me and add walnuts to them?

Me: (thinking- are you kidding me? Not only do you want my cookies, and trust me I want to give you cookies, but you are going to special order them? Like I'm some pre-order cookie bitch?) But instead I say "I don't think I have walnuts"

Her: Can you check?

Me: Going to pantry --I tell her that I have no walnuts only, pecans

Her: Pecans are fine.

Me: Well actually they are pecan halves.

Her: Well then chop them up.

Me: I'm about to chop something up and I can't guarantee it's going to be nuts. Ok. I don’t say that –Just fine.

You can pick up your jaw now. I know. I KNOW!

So I make the cookie dough, scoop out a part, chop and add the nuts. I'm pretty sure I put a healthy amount in. And by healthy amount I think we all know that I mean --abundant.

Success. Later she called and said that she ate all 7 of them.

Wait until you read how I found out about ANOTHER target of hers.


  1. OMG. I should come over and you & I can have a baking party, and then a delivering party. :)

  2. holy crap! i could have written this post! i have a "buddy" that does this to me all the time! oh i got stories.....

  3. What a nutty neighbor!
    I told my husband about your fat project and he thought it was really funny. That's because he's been trying to fatten me up for years. I think he's going to call you for idea. ;-)

  4. hahaha, My daughter & I had lunch today with some "tiny waisted" women. While they had a smoke cause they don't want the calories, we ate a whole piece of cheesecake cause we didn't want cancer! hahaha CHEERS!

  5. OMG I can't even imagine. I think it'd be one thing to request no nuts if she knew you were making them for her but asking you to be sure to add something is beyond beyond rude. Go get her with that fat lol

  6. Oh, this was better than a dozen homemade cupcakes.

    And I'm not kidding.

    This is wonderfully sinful, I love the wild abandon with the calories.

    True living, Pura Vida.

    Thanks for the invite, and Oh, I don't know you.