Wednesday, September 15, 2010

You want Nuts? I'll give you Nuts

So it's been a while since I've done anything here. I don't know where you live but around here it was really freaking hot over the summer. Also, over the summer my “target” was gone a lot. This combined with the heat did not lend itself to firing up the oven. I like my skin to stay on most of the time. I'm pretty sure I'm not attractive with it all melted off into a puddle surrounding my feet.

There have been some new developments which led to new motivation.

About a month ago she called me to bring a coffee drink from Starbucks. She wanted to confirm that I liked the Mocha version. When she showed up she came in with two drinks. Mine a mocha frappuccino and hers a BLACK iced coffee. There wasn't even CREAM in it folks.

Me: Why didn't you tell me that you weren't getting one too? I could have had just an iced coffee"

Her: No, that's ok. You know when you hit my age you have to start watching all the calories

In other words: "I'm going to sit here and watch you drink your 1.5 million calorie drink while sipping my 100 calories. Enjoy Fatty."

A few days later she brought a whole plate of lemon bars she had made. She knows that I am the only one who eats lemon in the house. She must have been looking for the home run by piling an extra 2K calories. I ate one and threw the rest out. (Insert clapping here)

This story alone got me thinking of pre-heating the oven. But there was more:

Last week I was on the phone with her and she mentioned making cookies that day. I told her that I was making cookies that day too. Just Toll House chocolate chip. Nothing fancy. Then:

Me: I'm making cookies today, chocolate chip

Her: Ooo, can I have a few?

Me: Of course

Her: Do they have nuts in them?

Me: Oh, usually I don't make them with nuts for the kids

Her: Do you mind making some on the side for me and add walnuts to them?

Me: (thinking- are you kidding me? Not only do you want my cookies, and trust me I want to give you cookies, but you are going to special order them? Like I'm some pre-order cookie bitch?) But instead I say "I don't think I have walnuts"

Her: Can you check?

Me: Going to pantry --I tell her that I have no walnuts only, pecans

Her: Pecans are fine.

Me: Well actually they are pecan halves.

Her: Well then chop them up.

Me: I'm about to chop something up and I can't guarantee it's going to be nuts. Ok. I don’t say that –Just fine.

You can pick up your jaw now. I know. I KNOW!

So I make the cookie dough, scoop out a part, chop and add the nuts. I'm pretty sure I put a healthy amount in. And by healthy amount I think we all know that I mean --abundant.

Success. Later she called and said that she ate all 7 of them.

Wait until you read how I found out about ANOTHER target of hers.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

BYOB (Bring Your Own Bowl)

Calories per serving: 670 | Total Fat:39.2g

I was going to have my friend over for lunch and before I got around to asking her she said that she was making soup and asked if I wanted lunch. Since she was providing lunch, I told her that I would make dessert. It wasn’t much after that this exchange happened:
@hurriedhomemakr How much butter? Gotta know the butter quantity before I can commit.

3rd recipe down - 4 (yes 4!) sticks of butter!
Chocolate Candy Bar Muffins

F-F-F-Four sticks? Now you're talking. LOVE you.

Today @hurriedhomemakr is my favorite for supplying me with a FOUR stick o butter recipe. Yes, yes, yes. #FatProjectReverse

I had gone shopping to Trader Joes later in the week and picked up their cocoa powder. At some point I noticed the recipe on the back of it. It was very similar to the above but had buttermilk in it. 3 CUPS of buttermilk. We already know how I feel about anything “butter” and I was not going to pass up this opportunity to add it. I decided to combine both recipes and top them with butter cream. (I ended up using a butter/Crisco combo in it)

She calls this morning to confirm lunch. I let her know that 11:30 was still fine and that I was making dessert. Then she said “You really need to stop baking and start gardening.” Um, what? Either she just called me fat or is telling me that my yard looks like hell. Either way she can suck on my butter cream topped cupcakes later. She then says “ok just have a glass of water and a napkin ready for me and I’ll have the bowls and spoons.” I say that I HAVE bowls and spoons and she says that she knows and that she just wants to use her own. Um, WHAT? Either she’s saying my dishes and spoons aren’t good enough or maybe she’s afraid that my dishwasher doesn’t clean as well as hers. Either way she can REALLY suck on my butter cream topped cupcakes later.

Of course I tweeted about this call because how could you not?

Nuh uh. Nobody does my girl like that. Ima fat da bitch up myself. Where my butter at?

is she also calling you unclean?

I don't get it. Does she think your dishes are not clean enough, or is she using portion bowls from Curves?


We have lunch and it was a really nice white bean soup that she has made before. It’s always delicious and I’m always told how much time goes into it from the blending of the beans to the squeezing of the lemon for juice. I was all ready to hand her 5 gold star stickers when I realized that the cupcakes will be her reward.

These cupcakes were ridiculously delicious. I can be my own worst critic and I can tell you that these were damn good. She asked about the recipe and I got out the container and showed it to her. She also asked if I MADE the frosting and I said that I had and it was a butter cream. I guess she needs to check up on me since I had already put the kitchen aid away.

After lunch I took HER bowls and spoons and pot and washed them in the sink and then HANDED THEM BACK TO HER. Um, what? Well they were hers after all and I also added a plate of cupcakes for her to take home with.
Enjoy that frosting honey.


She DID NOT bring her own bowls and spoon, no way.

Um, yes she did…….

It’s appropriate to end with Domino’s sugar following me this week. They replied back to me with:

It’s a pleasure to meet you @TheFriendlyNeighbor Tell us more about your baking projects! :)

Now I need a Land O Lakes follow.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Understanding the Target

First off I want to express my thanks to everyone who has provided me recipes. Especially since my Google “fattening recipe” searches keeps turning up “how to avoid” results. Bastards.

I thought I would take a minute or two to explain some about my Target. You see she loves to bake. Her kitchen is FILLED with bake wear from Williams Sonoma and Sur La Tab. Mini pans for everything? Yes. Popover pan? Yes. She even has one of those pans that makes fancy munchkins, though she paid $50 for hers and you can get it on Amazon for $10. She is high end and I’m more “get the job done” end. It is the same with ingredients. She will buy imported double quadruple processed and fluffed with feathers cocoa and I have Hershey’s. She has hand picked and buffed pecans from the exclusive Roman tree that sits on the peak of Mt. Kilimanjaro. I take whatever is swept up off the floor under the bulk food aisle. This is fine with me and I can still bake just as well even if I do have to dust my nuts off.

I said that she was damn thin right? She is very selective about what she will and will not bake or eat. Must have something to do with being thin and all but I don’t know anything about that kind of stuff. She will only bake from scratch with real flour and baking soda. BAKING SODA. She will make brownies, cookies, cakes, tarts, muffins, popovers, all by hand and mixed by her kitchen aid. I on the other hand have no problem ripping open a boxed mix and putting THAT into my kitchen aid. You don’t really expect me to mix it myself do you?

The above is the reason why I have to select things that I know she will even consider eating. I made a Paula Deen cake (yet to be posted) and though she had some I did not get the same reaction as my faux scratch Portillo’s cake. She likes cupcakes more than cake. She also likes cookies, brownies, bar types of things, crème brulee, she will eat cheesecake but she knows it’s fattening so she’s not going to pig on it. This is one of the reasons I have to hide extra butter and Crisco in my goods. She’s one of those people who watch what she eats EVERYDAY so I have to pack all the calories I can into the smallest serving size.

Finally she exercises a lot. Almost everyday she tells me what she did. “Today I ran 3 MILLION miles.” “Today I had my personal trainer work my right knee muscle.” Blah, blah, blah. So for those of you who might feel bad for my cholesterol ridden foods, trust me she will continue to work out almost everyday. Maybe now it’ll have to be a little harder.

If you have any suggested recipes for me please send them to my e-mail listed under my profile. You will receive fat credit if I choose yours.

Friday, May 7, 2010

The Beginning of a Whole New Pant Size

I woke up yesterday thinking is the day I will bake something that has an enormous amount of calories and play friendly neighbor. I knew that she had been having a hard week so really I was doing her a favor by making something instead of her making it herself. Right? We usually talk in the morning and this day was no different. I was sent a few recipe’s from @ nms3g2b a few weeks before and decided to ask which one she might like. One was a pound cake and one was a chocolate cake.

Me: “Hey, I’m thinking of making something today and I have two recipes. One pound cake and one chocolate cake. What do you think since I’m not going to be able to eat it all and I’m going to have to bring you some.”

Her: “Well pound cake just sounds like fat. (duh, that’s the point) and chocolate is always good.”

Chocolate cake it is. I need to say here that she is a baking snob. She only uses imported cocoa and will buy the finest chocolates for frostings. EVERYTHING she makes is from scratch. She will often scoff at my boxed items and thinks that they are fine for kids but not adults.

Here is the recipe:

Portillo's Chocolate Cake
1 box Betty Crocker Dark Chocolate cake mix (MUST BE BETTY)
1 C. Water
1 C. MAYO (That’s right folks)
3 eggs
2 cans BC Dark Chocolate frosting

I decide that the frosting is a weak link and needed to know what I could add to the frosting to boost its calories. I first thought Crisco and then I took it to twitter.

@michellew_ Crisco + Mayo- not sure about colon issues; heart issues maybe.

@LBGsMama She will have well lubricated innards!

@BabeChilla CREAM CHEESE ICING!!!!!!!!!

@Ellachanted royal frosting like they used to use all the time was Crisco, powdered sugar & vanilla. Very fattening. Very sweet.

@geninabug Yes! What She Said! ----> @Babe_Chilla CREAM CHEESE ICING!!!!!!!!!

@elSage Full fat cream cheese & butter.

@FamilySizedFun frost it with nutella

@Lilylanecakes you can use crisco instead of butter, or use both, you can also add heavy cream to it, make it oober fluffy.

@katherineklegin just make buttercream. that should take care of it.

@MaybeItWasMtown Buttercream frosting It calls for something outrageous like 5 sticks of butter

@blogdangerously I LOVE BUTTERCREAM

And then the Dairy police came and said

@smonkyou @maybeitwasMtown Hold up, this is getting out of cream cheese, no mayo. Powder sugar, cream & butter are acceptable

I decided that since @Lilylanecakes does this thing for a living that I would use her suggestion of heavy cream. I did not have heavy cream and I went to the store. While I was there she called:

Me: “I’m just here picking up a few ingredients for the cake”
Her: “great make sure you give me a BIG piece”
Me: “snicker, don’t you worry honey, you’ll get yours.”

OK, I didn’t say that but really could this be any more perfect?

The recipe was easy enough because you start with a BOX MIX.
I then worked on the frosting. I emptied the CONTAINER into the mixer and started adding the heavy cream. I looked around and then I got a bit carried away. I proceeded to add marshmallows melted in butter, cream cheese, vanilla, almond extract, melted white chocolate and chocolate chips. I felt like Jessica Seinfeld without the spinach or broccoli puree.

And here they are. Of course I added white chocolate shavings because at this point I’m all about the layering of calories.

She ends up stopping by later and thank god I had the boxes and containers in the garbage already. Since my kitchen aid mixer was out, it lent itself to the made from scratch sham I had going on.

She asks if she could have one right then. Who am I to deny? She then went nuts and was saying things like:

“These look awesome, these taste so good”

And the BEST comment ever:
“I could tell this is homemade frosting just by looking at it”

Today she called and added the following:

“Those were like from a magazine, that frosting was just to die for, I was in like cupcake heaven, I ate three last night. “


“You have got to send me that recipe, especially the frosting.”

Oh, crap. I took to twitter again

elSage Give her a really healthy recipe, then she'll think you're magic when she tries to make them & fails.

MomIn_AMillion Tell her you got it from a magazine but decided they weren't rich enough and threw the recipe away.

StephHyne search the net for a cupcake recipe, give it to her and when she says it didn't taste the same tell her she did it wrong...

3pugsandbaby LIE! Tell her you used applesauce and splenda!

modern_bird Tell her its a family recipe, and you can't share it.

smacksy Give her a different recipe. Not that I condone lying... much.

Alena29 Add more butter to the recipe

guiltysquid Oh no! That's awful, since you got it from you mother and SWORE you wouldn't give away her "secret" recipe.

NoStylePoints But that's GOOD, right? Three cupcakes - I could gain 7 pounds from 3 cupcakes.

I wonder what time that hand basket is coming; I have more recipes to try.

The following are the Nutrition Facts for the Cake I made:
Per Serving:
Calories 356 X 3
Total Fat 18.97g X 3
Percent of Calories from Fat: 48.0%

Week 1 Totals 1,068 / 56.91

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Hey, You're looking a Little Thin

Not anymore I'm not. I only took a picture of one. Now tell me you could resist eating this?

How It Started

I love my neighbors. I do. They are the type of neighbors who would cut your lawn while you’re away and feed your cat. They would lend you sugar and bring you a pie, and cookies, apple turnovers, cupcakes and muffins until you gained 10 lbs and then they would close the deal with popovers. Oh, yes I have a neighbor who has made me her fat project.

This neighbor is also a friend so we talk often. I know that she exercises a lot. She’s the type who will ask you to watch her kid so she can go exercise. Good for her. She’s also thin. Pretty damn thin. Once when I was 8.75 months pregnant she complained to me that she gained 3lbs. T-h-r-e-e-e-e. But here’s the catch, she loves to bake. Conundrum right? So what does she do? She bakes and eats a tiny bit of whatever it is and brings me the rest. Sure it sounds innocent enough. Who doesn’t like to get baked goods? Until I started noticing a pattern. I will mention to her that “I’m going to cut down on sugar” or say that I’m going to start exercising and the next thing you know I have snicker doodles by the boatload showing up the NEXT DAY. Really, I have played this game. If I’m in the mood for baked goods all I have to do is tell her that I’m cutting them down and they will show up in the next 48 hours.

Well it’s my problem for eating them right? Yes, I get that. She is also very crafty on how she gets me to eat them. She will often not just drop them off and say enjoy. She will hand me the 4lb plate of stacked goods and say “Can you try one now and tell me what you think?” See? So one day I thought, two can play this game. This was the start of my twitter rant #FatProjectReverse.

So #FatProjectReverse started with just an idea that maybe I could make something extra fattening for her like fried cheesecake. Then the suggestions came rolling in from all over and an experiment was born. I woke up today with a feeling that today was the day, I could not have been more right.