Friday, May 7, 2010

The Beginning of a Whole New Pant Size

I woke up yesterday thinking is the day I will bake something that has an enormous amount of calories and play friendly neighbor. I knew that she had been having a hard week so really I was doing her a favor by making something instead of her making it herself. Right? We usually talk in the morning and this day was no different. I was sent a few recipe’s from @ nms3g2b a few weeks before and decided to ask which one she might like. One was a pound cake and one was a chocolate cake.

Me: “Hey, I’m thinking of making something today and I have two recipes. One pound cake and one chocolate cake. What do you think since I’m not going to be able to eat it all and I’m going to have to bring you some.”

Her: “Well pound cake just sounds like fat. (duh, that’s the point) and chocolate is always good.”

Chocolate cake it is. I need to say here that she is a baking snob. She only uses imported cocoa and will buy the finest chocolates for frostings. EVERYTHING she makes is from scratch. She will often scoff at my boxed items and thinks that they are fine for kids but not adults.

Here is the recipe:

Portillo's Chocolate Cake
1 box Betty Crocker Dark Chocolate cake mix (MUST BE BETTY)
1 C. Water
1 C. MAYO (That’s right folks)
3 eggs
2 cans BC Dark Chocolate frosting

I decide that the frosting is a weak link and needed to know what I could add to the frosting to boost its calories. I first thought Crisco and then I took it to twitter.

@michellew_ Crisco + Mayo- not sure about colon issues; heart issues maybe.

@LBGsMama She will have well lubricated innards!

@BabeChilla CREAM CHEESE ICING!!!!!!!!!

@Ellachanted royal frosting like they used to use all the time was Crisco, powdered sugar & vanilla. Very fattening. Very sweet.

@geninabug Yes! What She Said! ----> @Babe_Chilla CREAM CHEESE ICING!!!!!!!!!

@elSage Full fat cream cheese & butter.

@FamilySizedFun frost it with nutella

@Lilylanecakes you can use crisco instead of butter, or use both, you can also add heavy cream to it, make it oober fluffy.

@katherineklegin just make buttercream. that should take care of it.

@MaybeItWasMtown Buttercream frosting It calls for something outrageous like 5 sticks of butter

@blogdangerously I LOVE BUTTERCREAM

And then the Dairy police came and said

@smonkyou @maybeitwasMtown Hold up, this is getting out of cream cheese, no mayo. Powder sugar, cream & butter are acceptable

I decided that since @Lilylanecakes does this thing for a living that I would use her suggestion of heavy cream. I did not have heavy cream and I went to the store. While I was there she called:

Me: “I’m just here picking up a few ingredients for the cake”
Her: “great make sure you give me a BIG piece”
Me: “snicker, don’t you worry honey, you’ll get yours.”

OK, I didn’t say that but really could this be any more perfect?

The recipe was easy enough because you start with a BOX MIX.
I then worked on the frosting. I emptied the CONTAINER into the mixer and started adding the heavy cream. I looked around and then I got a bit carried away. I proceeded to add marshmallows melted in butter, cream cheese, vanilla, almond extract, melted white chocolate and chocolate chips. I felt like Jessica Seinfeld without the spinach or broccoli puree.

And here they are. Of course I added white chocolate shavings because at this point I’m all about the layering of calories.

She ends up stopping by later and thank god I had the boxes and containers in the garbage already. Since my kitchen aid mixer was out, it lent itself to the made from scratch sham I had going on.

She asks if she could have one right then. Who am I to deny? She then went nuts and was saying things like:

“These look awesome, these taste so good”

And the BEST comment ever:
“I could tell this is homemade frosting just by looking at it”

Today she called and added the following:

“Those were like from a magazine, that frosting was just to die for, I was in like cupcake heaven, I ate three last night. “


“You have got to send me that recipe, especially the frosting.”

Oh, crap. I took to twitter again

elSage Give her a really healthy recipe, then she'll think you're magic when she tries to make them & fails.

MomIn_AMillion Tell her you got it from a magazine but decided they weren't rich enough and threw the recipe away.

StephHyne search the net for a cupcake recipe, give it to her and when she says it didn't taste the same tell her she did it wrong...

3pugsandbaby LIE! Tell her you used applesauce and splenda!

modern_bird Tell her its a family recipe, and you can't share it.

smacksy Give her a different recipe. Not that I condone lying... much.

Alena29 Add more butter to the recipe

guiltysquid Oh no! That's awful, since you got it from you mother and SWORE you wouldn't give away her "secret" recipe.

NoStylePoints But that's GOOD, right? Three cupcakes - I could gain 7 pounds from 3 cupcakes.

I wonder what time that hand basket is coming; I have more recipes to try.

The following are the Nutrition Facts for the Cake I made:
Per Serving:
Calories 356 X 3
Total Fat 18.97g X 3
Percent of Calories from Fat: 48.0%

Week 1 Totals 1,068 / 56.91


  1. You are evil and I totally love you for it.

  2. They are beautiful!

    I bet the handbasket has cake in it. Just sayin.

  3. BrerMatt said EXACTLY what I was going to say.


  4. They look freaking awesome!

    My sister is so getting these for her 40th birthday!!

  5. Wow. Those are some damn fine looking cupcakes. Even knowing what all went into them, I'm pretty sure I'd eat one. And that means your master plan is WORKING.

    What are you making her next?

  6. I should tell you that for all the effort I went to just to comment, I kind of want to comment over and over and over and over and over again.

    But I won't.

    You're welcome.

  7. Guiltysquid, Please don't get sucked in by my ability to make people fat. You might be next.

  8. I gained 5 pounds x 3 just reading this!!! Delicious!!!

  9. hilarious :) I love the calorie count at the end

  10. I'm laughing my jiggly butt off!

  11. This is hilarious! Hope she doesn't stumble upon your blog! LOL