Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Understanding the Target

First off I want to express my thanks to everyone who has provided me recipes. Especially since my Google “fattening recipe” searches keeps turning up “how to avoid” results. Bastards.

I thought I would take a minute or two to explain some about my Target. You see she loves to bake. Her kitchen is FILLED with bake wear from Williams Sonoma and Sur La Tab. Mini pans for everything? Yes. Popover pan? Yes. She even has one of those pans that makes fancy munchkins, though she paid $50 for hers and you can get it on Amazon for $10. She is high end and I’m more “get the job done” end. It is the same with ingredients. She will buy imported double quadruple processed and fluffed with feathers cocoa and I have Hershey’s. She has hand picked and buffed pecans from the exclusive Roman tree that sits on the peak of Mt. Kilimanjaro. I take whatever is swept up off the floor under the bulk food aisle. This is fine with me and I can still bake just as well even if I do have to dust my nuts off.

I said that she was damn thin right? She is very selective about what she will and will not bake or eat. Must have something to do with being thin and all but I don’t know anything about that kind of stuff. She will only bake from scratch with real flour and baking soda. BAKING SODA. She will make brownies, cookies, cakes, tarts, muffins, popovers, all by hand and mixed by her kitchen aid. I on the other hand have no problem ripping open a boxed mix and putting THAT into my kitchen aid. You don’t really expect me to mix it myself do you?

The above is the reason why I have to select things that I know she will even consider eating. I made a Paula Deen cake (yet to be posted) and though she had some I did not get the same reaction as my faux scratch Portillo’s cake. She likes cupcakes more than cake. She also likes cookies, brownies, bar types of things, crème brulee, she will eat cheesecake but she knows it’s fattening so she’s not going to pig on it. This is one of the reasons I have to hide extra butter and Crisco in my goods. She’s one of those people who watch what she eats EVERYDAY so I have to pack all the calories I can into the smallest serving size.

Finally she exercises a lot. Almost everyday she tells me what she did. “Today I ran 3 MILLION miles.” “Today I had my personal trainer work my right knee muscle.” Blah, blah, blah. So for those of you who might feel bad for my cholesterol ridden foods, trust me she will continue to work out almost everyday. Maybe now it’ll have to be a little harder.

If you have any suggested recipes for me please send them to my e-mail listed under my profile. You will receive fat credit if I choose yours.


  1. have I told you I love you?

    I love love LOVE this project :) Which makes us both evil, but I love you all the more for it.

  2. I love you. And I appreciate your disdain for whoever, "she" is. I have known her. I have listened to her tell me that that baby carrot I'm eating has 15 calories and I'll have to breath heavy for an extra 3 minutes today to burn off that carrot.

    Screw her.

    If you're looking for something fatty try making cream puffs. BUT, instead of using whole eggs cut the whites in half and use more yolks. After they've baked in the oven finish them off in the deep fryer. Add some whipped cream to your already rich pastry cream and then drizzle melted chocolate over top. Sprinkle the chocolate with a little coarse sea salt to add flavour and aid in water retention.

    I'm a graduate chef and slightly over weight. Trust me on this.

  3. So funny! I thought baking soda was a bath bomb ingredient... are you aure you can use it in cooking?!?!? LOl! :)

  4. She deserves much praise and jealousy. I thought her Halloween extravaganzas were over the top, THIS is *Epic*. Muwahahaha

  5. PS... Don't Google, "fattening" Google, "decadent."

    Or.. something like, "All out over the top decadent chocolate mousse cake."

  6. Oooh. I want to know more about the Halloween extravaganzas!!!

  7. I'm sorry do I know you? because I think that you are the little devil that sits on my shoulder! Hilarious post! Good luck fattening up your friend!

    PS...I especially love your notes on high end vs get the job done..I'm on your side there!

  8. I was going to say use all of Paula Deen's recipes! Lol. Great post...I love the part about dusting off your nuts! LMAO!!!!

  9. I have a recipe that comes off as healthy, but isn't:
    1 pkg. (10 oz.) regular marshmallows
    1/4 cup butter
    4 cups granola with raisins
    1 1/2 cups Rice Krispies cereal
    1/2 cup shelled salted sunflower seeds
    make it Line a 13x9" baking pan with foil leaving foil hanging over the short sides. Butter the foil and set aside.

    In a large saucepan, combine the marshmallows and butter. Cook and stir the mixture until the marshmallows are melted. Stir in the granola, cereal, and sunflowers seeds. Press mixture into the prepared pan. Cool.

    Remove foil lining with uncut bars from the pan. Cut into 24 bars.